Things I Am Learning from Divorce

Growing up the only thing I ever knew about divorce was that Elizabeth Taylor had done it 5 times or more. It wasn't something that I gave much thought to as I never saw me divorcing the person that I married. I must admit that it never occurred to me that my wife-to-be would someday fall out of love with me and want out.

During this time of soul searching and awakenings I have heard people talk about divorce as a door to freedom, of course those were the people who wanted out. I never wanted out and for a time I wanted it back and right now I confess that I don't really know what I want. It hasn't been until that last 10 months or so that the hurt finally caught up to me, and the anger. Oh, how the anger has caught up to me!

For the first two years or so I was pretty cool with my feelings and making excuses for my ex-wife (as an aside I just recently came to terms with calling her my ex. Before then it just didn't feel right). Some would say that I was in denial, and maybe I was. I have sought some counseling over this as people have said that going through a divorce is akin to mourning the death of a loved one and I can see the truth in that.

I find it strange how it hits me out of nowhere that I have been rejected by the person that I loved the most, other than God. I was watching TV the other day and saw a movie that I had not seen in a long, long time and had first watched it with my wife. The reality of me watching it alone in my apartment without her hit me and I started to bawl like a baby. The same thing happened right before Christmas. I had all our children and I was trying to make it as special as I could. It was then that I realized that she knew how to make Christmas special with all of her projects and baking and other things. It was her gift. I cried then too when I understood it all.

I am coming around to it all. I wish her the best and pray for her. I know that she is seeing other men and that hurts, but it was bound to happen. She is young and attractive. I talk about dating, but it remains only talk. I think about it, but somehow it doesn't feel right. When it is the right time it will happen, or so I am told. Right now I am focusing my energies on my kids, and I believe that it should be that way.

I have learned a lot about myself through all of this. Most of it positive, some of it not. I know that I was a good husband, perhaps not the best but one that most women would die for. Not bragging here, because I never believed that while I was married.

I also realized that I am an encourager and heap praise on those around me. I love doing it because when I see it I need to let people know. I know the importance of hearing an affirmation at the right moment, the uplifting feeling of knowing that someone cares enough to say it. The hard part is when it doesn't comeback and you end up emptying yourself because of it. We all need praise and affirmation and so I give it still because in my eyes it is the thing to do. However, even now I confess that I crave it and don't see much of it. Maybe that is my lot in life, my cross to bear, and other than this sentence right here I have never mentioned my feelings on that to anyone. I guess I just want to hear that I matter to someone. Sounds kind of selfish, I know but I pledged to be honest when I started this blog way back when.

One of things that I have discovered through the course of my divorce is that I missed my music. I have always been into music as I believe that it is the language that brings people together, expresses one's soul, and makes life bearable. When I got married I got away from listening to music for the sheer pleasure of it mainly because my wife did not like my musical styles. So I capitulated and gave into her wants and listened to what she liked: Pop and Country and Western. Well I have rediscovered myself through my music. Right now I am listening to my iTunes library on shuffle and am hearing some wonderful Jazz, Rock, Techno, and World Music. I have very little Pop and only old school C&W like Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson.

In some areas of myself I am coming back to life while I have died in others. I am still learning as I move forward but that is the thing to remember: I AM moving FORWARD. I am learning to crawl again but soon I will be walking on my own and then eventually I will run. First things first. Situation's still developing. More to come in time.

Be Good!
MAC