...when I went to pick up my son from his mother the other day. The strange thing is that I saw his mom, my ex-wife, in a whole new light. As I have mentioned before she divorced me about four years ago, and at first I was dealing with it as best I could. I mean I had no anger towards her and desperately wanted the marriage back and the family intact. I have also mentioned that last summer a wave of anger towards her hit me and hit me hard. I mean I didn't even want to think of her and didn't want to see her the very few times we would be together to have our kids go with her or me(yes strange situation with us having five children together but 4 with her and one with me-the reason for that:too long to get into right now).
My son had a week off from high school for winter break and he wanted to go up to spend it with his siblings and his mom. We live about 5 hours from each other and meet at a halfway point when he goes up there or they come down here. When I went to go get him this past Saturday I was very happy to see that my other 4 children were there too. I absolutely HATE being apart from them and moving to the Midwest from the Northeast had everything to do with being closer to them.
Anyway, my ex-wife was there and I have to confess that I get very nervous around her the few times that we are near each other for these exchanges. The thing is that we don't speak to each other and the communication that we have is mainly through text messaging on our cell phones. I would love to be friends with her and speak regularly regarding our children but I cannot force her to do something she does not want to do. I have learned, the hard way, to give her the room that she needs because I need for our kids to have as little stress in their lives regarding this divorce.
I worked Friday night and had to work Saturday night so that meant that after a 12 hour shift I had to hop in a car and drive 2 and half hours up to get my son so I could get drive 2 and half hours back to be in time to grab a couple of hours sleep and then get up and go back to work for another 12 hour shift. Not a fun day in that regard but seeing my entire family made it all worth wile.
It was 10am when I got there and I asked them all if they were hungry and they all were, however, the son that lives with me wanted to go home right away-more on that in a bit. We ended up going over to Denny's where the waitress didn't believe me when I told her that we were all celebrating our birthday that day(you can eat for free at Denny's on your birthday).
It was busy when we got there and Roni(my former wife) went in and gave them her name and the number in our party(Yay! A party!). As we were waiting she jumped up and ran up to the hostess and told them that she gave the wrong number for our group. She had given 6 instead of 7. I chuckled as I know that she didn't mean anything by the 6 instead of 7, it just was what it was.
Well we all got seated and I was trying to not be rude and to speak with everyone including her and I looked at her and it hit me: she is not my enemy! She was the woman that I spent 19 years of my life with, 15 of those married(we dated for 4 years of college) and had 5 glorious children with. How could I be angry with her no matter what her divorcing me meant? I was not looking at her for restoring our marriage, as I am not certain that I would even want that back, yet I saw the person that I fell in love with way back when.
It was hard to speak with her as I think that she may have been nervous too and I felt bad that we both may have been experiencing these feelings. I have noticed, and Saturday was no exception, that she rarely looks me in the eyes. I always attributed this to her not loving me anymore and that she disdains me. Yet, some female friends have told me that she may be experiencing guilt over the divorce and that is why she can't look me in the eye. I don't know, maybe it is that.
There was laughter there as the kids were joking around and Roni and I laughed along. I even made her laugh with a comment that alluded to our first year of marriage and something funny that happened then. I didn't plan on making the comment but it was just one of those things. She giggled and I felt good.
Well we ate our meal and then after much hugging and kissing of my kids the 4 got in her van and the one got in my car with me and we went our separate ways. On the ride home I asked my son why he wanted to head home so quickly and he said that he was nervous about his mom and me being together, that we might start fighting or something. I told him that I was a bit nervous too but that his mom and I had to learn to be together in those situations for the benefit of the kids and each other. I told him that his mom and I had to learn to be acquaintances again before we could even be friends again. After that is in God's hands but I would be happy to be able to just be friends with her and to talk every week or two about our kids.
I do wish her happiness as I believe that she deserves it and I know that she has a lot to offer. I am thankful for this way that I see her know as I know carrying anger towards her around was not good for me, my kids, or her.
I live, I grow, I learn.
Mac
No comments:
Post a Comment