Is there such a thing as True Love, or is it something that is just a fleeting fancy? It seems, and this may just be my sad experience at the game of love, that reality falls short of expectations. Perhaps I am being too much of a nitpicker or maybe my sights are set too high. I can't honestly say that I am more discerning than the next guy because that makes me out to be a snob. However, people do find True Love, I know because I have seen it in couples. It does in fact exist.
So if it exists, and I have not found it then either I have not found it for me yet, or I will never find it at all because it doesn't exist for me. Odd thing this Love? That is one of our basic human needs, or desires isn't it? Don't we all just want to be loved? I am not talking sex, though that is nice. Rather I am talking about bonding with another person in a deep and profound way. We all long to have someone look at us and say, "I thank God for you and want nothing more than to be with you always." I could be wrong, I have been wrong in love so why not in my thinking about it.
I am an eternal optimist, however, I believe that True Love is out there for me. I have to be an optimist because the other side of that thought is too heartbreaking for me to bear. I am happy to see couples who love each other in this manner, the manner of undying-devoted-true love, because it renews my hope for me, but in the same breath it reminds me of what I do not have, of what I basically have never had. I thought I had it once, but I was blinded and I let myself be blinded to it. Love does that to you, if you let it. Love has illusions. Jackson Browne said it best in Fountain of Sorrow:
But when you see through loves illusions, there lies the danger
And your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool
So you go running off in search of a perfect stranger
While the loneliness seems to spring from your life
Like a fountain from a pool
While I long for True Love, I am guarded towards it. Or I should say my heart is guarded towards it. I want it but I don't want to be hurt by it. Catch-22, I know. People keep telling me that I have to belly up to the table throw in my ante and spin the wheel for Love is a gamble at best. I know I should, but something holds me back. Don't really know what it is, but it holds me back.
The desire to be loved is spurred on by the desire to not be alone. I have never had problems with being alone. I like myself and enjoy my own company (I am an easy date). I have gone to the movies alone, to dinner alone, to church, the mall, across country alone. It never bothered me. However, I must confess that it is starting to bother me a bit now. I guess the thing that holds me back from the Gamble on True Love is that I don't want to settle for anything less than TRUE Love. Fascinating!
There is definitely an interesting sensation being in a crowded place but still feeling lonely in the middle of it all. I don't write this to make anyone feel sad for me, these are just my observations. No I am not sad. A bit lonely, yes and still optimistic about life and the future. These are just some thoughts that come to me. They are thoughts that come to me in the middle of the night as I stuff tiny metal discs into long thin paperbags. I work, I think, I long, I hope.
Anyway, just felt like posting this to see if anyone else feels the way I do.
PEACE,
Mac
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