Things I Am Learning from Divorce

Growing up the only thing I ever knew about divorce was that Elizabeth Taylor had done it 5 times or more. It wasn't something that I gave much thought to as I never saw me divorcing the person that I married. I must admit that it never occurred to me that my wife-to-be would someday fall out of love with me and want out.

During this time of soul searching and awakenings I have heard people talk about divorce as a door to freedom, of course those were the people who wanted out. I never wanted out and for a time I wanted it back and right now I confess that I don't really know what I want. It hasn't been until that last 10 months or so that the hurt finally caught up to me, and the anger. Oh, how the anger has caught up to me!

For the first two years or so I was pretty cool with my feelings and making excuses for my ex-wife (as an aside I just recently came to terms with calling her my ex. Before then it just didn't feel right). Some would say that I was in denial, and maybe I was. I have sought some counseling over this as people have said that going through a divorce is akin to mourning the death of a loved one and I can see the truth in that.

I find it strange how it hits me out of nowhere that I have been rejected by the person that I loved the most, other than God. I was watching TV the other day and saw a movie that I had not seen in a long, long time and had first watched it with my wife. The reality of me watching it alone in my apartment without her hit me and I started to bawl like a baby. The same thing happened right before Christmas. I had all our children and I was trying to make it as special as I could. It was then that I realized that she knew how to make Christmas special with all of her projects and baking and other things. It was her gift. I cried then too when I understood it all.

I am coming around to it all. I wish her the best and pray for her. I know that she is seeing other men and that hurts, but it was bound to happen. She is young and attractive. I talk about dating, but it remains only talk. I think about it, but somehow it doesn't feel right. When it is the right time it will happen, or so I am told. Right now I am focusing my energies on my kids, and I believe that it should be that way.

I have learned a lot about myself through all of this. Most of it positive, some of it not. I know that I was a good husband, perhaps not the best but one that most women would die for. Not bragging here, because I never believed that while I was married.

I also realized that I am an encourager and heap praise on those around me. I love doing it because when I see it I need to let people know. I know the importance of hearing an affirmation at the right moment, the uplifting feeling of knowing that someone cares enough to say it. The hard part is when it doesn't comeback and you end up emptying yourself because of it. We all need praise and affirmation and so I give it still because in my eyes it is the thing to do. However, even now I confess that I crave it and don't see much of it. Maybe that is my lot in life, my cross to bear, and other than this sentence right here I have never mentioned my feelings on that to anyone. I guess I just want to hear that I matter to someone. Sounds kind of selfish, I know but I pledged to be honest when I started this blog way back when.

One of things that I have discovered through the course of my divorce is that I missed my music. I have always been into music as I believe that it is the language that brings people together, expresses one's soul, and makes life bearable. When I got married I got away from listening to music for the sheer pleasure of it mainly because my wife did not like my musical styles. So I capitulated and gave into her wants and listened to what she liked: Pop and Country and Western. Well I have rediscovered myself through my music. Right now I am listening to my iTunes library on shuffle and am hearing some wonderful Jazz, Rock, Techno, and World Music. I have very little Pop and only old school C&W like Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson.

In some areas of myself I am coming back to life while I have died in others. I am still learning as I move forward but that is the thing to remember: I AM moving FORWARD. I am learning to crawl again but soon I will be walking on my own and then eventually I will run. First things first. Situation's still developing. More to come in time.

Be Good!
MAC

The Sea Refuses No River

I grew up on Long Island Sound. Not a gigantic body of water, but it was salt and had outlets to the ocean. I love the ocean. It has called to me ever since I was young. I would spend as much time as I could at the beach or on the water. I would got to friends summer homes on the Jersey Shore or up to Boston to visit with them and to see the ocean. I remember going to Maryland as a kid and standing on the beach with the Atlantic lapping its waves on my feet. I was in heaven.

I loved, especially, after spending an entire day at the beach when I would take a deep breath and feel my lungs tighten with a slight pain from at the salt sea air. There is nothing like the smell of the beach at low tide. Kind of funky and malodorous, yet something intriguing about it.

My most favorite times at the beach were in a storm or during winter. The sea is frightening yet mesmerizing at the same time. I can sit on a dock or a boat or the beach during the storms or winter and just lose myself in thought and feel as if I could float away in the breeze.

I remember the first time heading out in a friends catamaran where we lost sight of the shore. I was petrified and excited at the same time. I expected some terrible sea monster to lurch up out of the waters and swallow us whole. I deemed it a fitting way to die. Then my fear left me. It was then I wanted to head further out to the deeps. It seems my fear had turned into respect and that respect lives on today.

I never learned to sail myself, but I have read books about it. I have a dream about circumnavigating the globe in a yacht just to see of what I am made. Could I complete the journey? I don't know but I would love to try. I envision it all with me being alone, though I would love to be accompanied by a beautiful woman who shared my dreams and passions and was madly in love with me. However, I don't think any of those types of women exist sadly enough. I am the kind of guy, it seems of late, that women don't mind having around but never give a second thought or glance to. It is what is and I guess I am coming to terms with living out my days alone. What did Barbara Mandrell used to sing? "Sleeping single in a double bed." That is the cruelest fate of all.

So I turn to my love of the sea. It is much like a woman with its steely beauty that can change from peaceful serenity into a gale storm in a minute. It holds beauty untold and can transport you anywhere and yet it can be silent and still and leave you wondering if the tranquility can last forever.

While the sea can be unforgiving it is also welcoming. It, in the words of Pete Townshend, ...refuses no river. It doesn't care how dirty or pristine the river is it accepts it, welcomes it, blends with it. It holds life and whispers death. It contains creatures we don't even know about. There is more known about space then there is about the depths of the ocean. It is mysterious and I find that enticing. Compared to the ocean I am an insignificant speck and yet men like me have learned to harness its power and thrive in it and with it.

I live far from the ocean, smack dab in the middle of the country and I do not like swimming in rivers, or lakes, or ponds. They hold no appeal for me. To immerse myself into one of those bodies would be like being unfaithful to Lady Ocean. I can't do that, and so I don't. The sea calls to me, and if I am lucky enough to see a seagull I am filled with a brief joy and happiness that I have only ever found on or near the sea.

I am living on dry land and I am haunted by the ocean.

It's My Birthday!

Whooppee! Another year older! Yay!

Stop Winking at Me!

There is a guy at work who seems to be a really nice man. I don't know him all that well aside from the casual conversations of "How are doing today?", and the like. He is a large man and appears to be a hard worker. However he doesn't wear a belt. Doesn't wear a belt? So what? you ask. Sure it sounds weird until you see him bending over a piece of machinery or stooping down to get something out of a vending machine and then see him winking at you. No, not with his eye, but with his plumber's crack. Man I see that thing at least 4 times a night and I really don't want to look at it anymore. Not that I WANTED to look at it in the first place.

The people that I spend my breaks with sit near the vending machines. The tables are towards the back of the break room and it is just the place where we congregate, play cards, eat our meals, talk about life, and generally give each other crap, in a friendly way. Me, being the good Lutheran that I am, sit with my back to the wall so I can see everything that goes on in the break room. I may have to re-think my Lutheranism in general and sit elsewhere so as not to see the MONSTER eyeing me anymore.

Everyone at the table knows that this guy is showing his crack with wreckless abandon. As a matter of fact they know when he enters the room as I usually say something to one of them like, "You must be on crack", or "Krakatoa was a violent explosion." Cute? Maybe. Subtle? Not so much.

I keep challenging my break mates to drop a quarter into his crack when he is bending over the vending machines and to say something like, "OH! I'm sorry I thought that was the coin slot for the machine." They are chickens, one and all and never go for it. And if you are thinking that I am a chicken I am not. I just feel that if I come up with the idea someone else should carry it out. Hey, I can't be the brains and the brawn of our breaks.

So, basically this post is written in the hopes that if you are a crack baby that you will pull your pants up, wear a belt and stop winking at the world. And if you know someone, anyone, exposing their evil eye then you should approach them and let them know of their offense. You can even do it while giving them a belt as a token of appreciation for them to cease and desist from their shame.

Are you with me on this? Make it happen!

Mac

BTW-The pic at the top is not of the guy or his eye. It is just there for exemplary purposes.

LEAP DAY!

It happens once every 4 years and that day is today. Go make it count!


Today makes 50 months. Nuff said.
Mac

Samoas Part 2

I was at the local supermarket which is just one in a chain of about three. To do any real grocery buying I have to go to one of two towns about 30 minutes away. Well I had just gotten off of work (I was doing some OT on the day shift which was nice) and I was getting some things for dinner. I figured that some ice cream would be great for dessert (and btw, never trust a person who doesn't like ice cream. Someone very wise told me that once and there is a lot of wisdom in that statement). I have a fondness for Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream, though it really packs in the fat so I always opt for the low-fat frozen yogurt version of it. It is not as rich, but it is still wonderful!

Well my local grocer, being a small time operator, is limited on their selection of Ben and Jerry's and they do not carry the low-fat frozen yogurt version of any B&Js offerings, though the gas station up the road does, go figure, but I did not feel like driving all over for ice cream or frozen yogurt. Well, as I continued on in the ice cream aisle my eye caught something in the Edy's section.

Lo and behold! I saw something that Edy's sells that vindicated my love for Girl Scout Samoa Cookies! It seems that Edy's offers a Samoa and Tagalong ice cream officially endorsed by the GSA.

Click on the link and you will see what I mean. SAMOA ICE CREAM!

There it is for all to see. There is no Caramel deLite or Peanut Butter Pattie ice cream, just the ice creams of the best darn Girl Scout Cookies we had back in America! Take that inferior cookies!

I bought a quart and I must say that if I have to get my Samoas that way then I will not argue.

Mac

Forward, Together Forward

I live fairly close to DeKalb, Illinois. I spend a lot of time there. I do most of my shopping there, whether it is for groceries or clothes or other odds and ends. I enjoy the eateries there too, so it is not uncommon for me to be there a few times a week. I have also discovered a wonderfully cheap movie theater there which I frequent from time to time.

Whenever I head over to DeKalb I pass through the campus of Northern Illinois University. It is a lovely campus and I always enjoy seeing the college kids hustle to and fro as they are either going to or coming from a class. A very good friend of mine graduated from NIU just last spring and is a proud member of the class of 2007. I even accompanied her one night to her lab where she had to do some science tests. It was neat to go into her building and to see the campus from a different viewpoint. I love living near colleges or universities as those communities seem to be a bit more hip, vibrant, and artistic. It keeps me young too.

I was in DeKalb early on the morning of February 14th as I was getting some things for my oldest son's birthday that day. I drove out of town by 9AM unaware of the coming storm that would rock both school and community later that day. I must admit that when I heard of the events that unfolded at NIU later that day I didn't react like I did with the Virgina Tech tragedy. I think that it was because I, like the rest of the country, am becoming used to such horrendously stupid acts of violence.

I was at work Sunday night and I was thumbing through some newspapers during one of my breaks and I came across the pictures and bios of the victims. As I read I became so enraged at their loss because they were just kids. If I hadn't read that they were students at NIU I would have thought that they were in high school because they looked so young. It makes no sense as to their untimely passing, and I felt the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't know any of these kids and I was confused as to why I was reacting this way. I felt grief for them and for their families. In the back of my mind I heard the words of the English poet John Donne:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

I mourned for the loss of promise for what could have been for these 5 kids had they been able to fulfill their destinies. What will not be because some deranged person took their lives? How many lives will not be touched by them because of their absence? How many will suffer the loss of their gifts and talents because they have been extinguished?

Last night I headed over to DeKalb to take my son out for dinner and to pick up some things for the house. I must say that I was moved to tears as we both witnessed the outpouring of love and support for NIU by the local businesses. The vast majority of marquees that could have been touting sales and products were lit up with well wishes, thoughts, and prayers for NIU. Virtually every establishment we went into had a placard in the window or door with the NIU Husky on it and a black ribbon and the words Forward, Together Forward. I was moved. I am so proud to live near this community because of their character and passion.

My son and I drank it all in and were silent on the car ride back to our town. There was a lot to think about, even more to pray about. It is my heartfelt prayer that the God of my Salvation will reach down and hold these people-victims families, the people of NIU, and the people of DeKalb-in His loving hands and that He would send His Healer and Comforter to them to bend this situation to His Will and turn this tragedy around.

Mac